BLEEDING TO LIFE
I remember one retreat speaker tells us this remark she heard from a man. He says he finds it amazing how women can actually bleed for 5 days and not die. I've got to give him credit for such introspection.
I've got my second day of period. It's a particlarly heavy but none of those terrible pains for once. May be this is why I've this capacity to look at it with grace and seeing red made me realize the power that flows from me as a woman
Even if that cycle means another one less from my resources (there goes another egg down the drain), another could-be life not met, still I am grateful. It is a reminder that I have the gift to help bring life. Maybe not now or not anytime soon but the possibility remains. For now, if there is a resource that I am learning to give birth to, its name is Patience.
A few nights ago, I had this dream. I was trying to go up some uneven thing. It was a difficult climb. I felt my side hurt after. Just then a panic thought came. I am pregnant, I forgot. A life is within and I forgot. I felt all of me suddenly have only thought and concern and love and fear for that which is inside my body. I never thought it could feel as real and as close as that.
I've always feared the thought of carrying another life. For the pain, for the discomfort, for the risks, the could-be tragedies and the what-nows.
But remembering that dream on my way to work, I felt again the power of that feeling within. Dreamt, imagined, hoped for, feared. While it sits inside in silence, it speaks, and breathes and beats at my breast, my womb and my veins and I felt my eyes bleed.
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Image Source: Google.com/www.4girls.gov
BORED, DRAINED AND PAINFULLY SINGLE
It is early evening of Saturday in my time zone. Had to be in the office and that is ok. I've got tons of work I need to finish, work that I like doing and that I believe in. But what is bothersome is this thought that I have no gimick to go to afterwards, no friends available to accompany me not even for a simple movie date or cup of coffee.
But as great single women would have it, there's just too much good attitude to opt for. With the CD-ROM, I suddenly found Spiral Starecase keeping me company and keeping me sane enough to dance the night away in my office cubicle. Then there were the texts for and from my birthday brother.
Me - "So what do you want, a small cake or a small ice-cream?" He's reply -- "of course a big cake and a big ice cream". Cute.
Well still all of the above, toss in hungry but couldn't say I am not grateful.
Original manuscript created
Friday the 13th, 2004
11:46 PM
On the eve of my 33rd Valentine-less Valentine’s Day, I launch this campaign. No, this is not the same environmental cause that Silliman University embarked with Ford or HP Foundation. But it is somehow related. Even if only vaguely. Well for one, it’s about conservation.
RATIONALE: Seahorse is one of those creatures catalogued to be threatened if not fast becoming extinct. It is said to be a most sought after commodity for its medicinal and economic value. But more than these, this aquatic creature possesses great qualities to be admired in this generation of metrosexuals: it is monogamous and it’s the male species that carry the maternal burden.
Now what does it have to do with me? Well, not only to me but to a hundred thousand other single women out there waiting for that one true elusive love. We barf at the thought, so we independent women say, but alone in our room, sick with flu while the rest of coupledom is busy braving the traffic and foolishly being affectionate, we sigh with such sighing even the dead would wake up before judgment day.
In this day and age of halfhearted vows, FFs and KFs and all sorts of intimacy play but no commitment for and during a lifetime, of single, straight and secure men fast disappearing, we can only continue to hold on to our childlike hope and faith. A magnificent, beautiful seahorse waits as I wait.
OBJECTIVES: (1) To devise means by which one’s self will never give up on finding one’s seahorse; (2) To put in mind that oneself is good and deserve no less better than one truly desire for; (3) To never stop in growing as an individual, loving and allowing one’s self to be loved.
STRATEGIES: (1) Create a life outside of the workplace; (2) Renew constantly ties with friends and welcome and even make opportunities for new relationships; (3) Choose wisely the relationships that would be given extra attention, time and consideration, asking if there’s a future with it worth pursuing; (4) Be thankful for all the special though temporary relationships that come and hold it with fondness but not to cling to it.
There are more postings to come. For now, I end with these. For the first time in years, I noticed a lone star outside my window directly across where I lie in bed every night. Next to the window is this glow-in-the-dark star I placed a couple of years back. There were two stars then, a kind of a silent wish for a heart’s desire back then and though there is only one left, still the desire remains. And since I’ve never given up on my childhood, I look now on these two stars that are on my same visual plane, one out there and real though might have already burned light years and light years away and one that’s stuck on my wall glowing after I turn off the lights and dream my dreams.
Happy Valentine’s Day Nanay…I love and miss you still
1:14am
St. Valentine’s Day
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* The beautiful image was sourced from www.barbjanisch.com/ seahorse.html
